Let’s talk about Eurovision…

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I have no shame (though I probably should have at the very least a modicum of embarrassment and remorse) in saying that I watch Eurovision Song Contest every. single. year. 

I hear you all, in your choruses, screaming

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I also hear the more cynical members of the internet universe making a sarcastic comment about natural selection and how my eurovision-watching days on the planet are numbered, thanks to survival of the fittest. And yet…  I watch it, because it is hilarious. It truly is a trippy amalgamation of the weirdest things Europe (and now Australia, too) has to offer the world. For one night a year, the absolute nutters who reside on our marvelous continent are allowed out to wow, shock and entertain us, while those of us who watch face an inner battle with ourselves – should the unbridled peculiarity of the spectacle that goes on for four hours be allowed to win? Should we switch off and pretend we all don’t secretly hope that the United Kingdom gets at least 14 points?

Obviously, in my case, the former wins. The battle is short; won (lost by reason) before it even really begins, and before you know it my group chats have hundreds of messages and my friends and I all have our own BBC scorecards (yes, we even print them out).

Highlights of the night:

  • Croatia’s entry – My Friend”   wins the crown for the Most Bizarre Song at Eurovision 2017. It’s like a one-man duet, which, you know, has the potential to be impressive, but just ends up being really strange. The guy, Jacques Houdek, can definitely sing though, so that’s a plus. The staging was a little bit like a sixth form drama group was given free reign, in that the backdrop was his face so he spent a lot of time just singing to himself, which left me a bit like…

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His outfit confused me again. His jacket was a garment of two halves; the first was a leather jacket, the second a tuxedo jacket (with tails). His trousers were like a fancier version of tracksuit bottoms, which confused me no end considering the formality of the tux half of the jacket. He wins though, he wins for weirdness.

  • Moldova’s tribute to a 90s Boyband (potentially intentional, can’t really tell) provided us with the song “Hey Mamma”. I was working with the assumption that all three members were gay but the back up dancers’s dresses morphed into bridal gowns so that threw my theory into question. The guy who pretends to play the sax is my absolute favourite! I have genuine, unironic love for him and a little for the song, too. Moldova definitely deserved their high score, the track was super upbeat and a load of fun!

Their suits, too – phenomenal! They looked pretty suave for Eurovision, that’s for sure.

Moldova’s boyband; the one holding the sax can’t actually play the sax, but I can’t quite remember if the one with the violin was actually playing either…
  • Last in the top three is obviously Romania’s song “Yodel It”. There’s actual yodelling in it, which nearly broke my brain considering Romania doesn’t actually have a reputation for yodelling…

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“Yodel It” was easily one of the strangest songs on eurovision for the last few years, including this:

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Mainly just because of the guy-girl duo who literally yodeled every other line of the song, which was so strongly in favour of yodeling (only cementing my confusion regarding Romanians and yodeling). My favourite line was “you’ll never be alive, you’re gonna miss out on this ride” – in all the yodeling I probably missed the context, but the line made me chuckle all the same!

Okay, so: the score…

The United Kingdom scored a solid 111 points, the first time we scored more than 90 since 2011! Lucie Jones (formerly of The X Factor but I can’t remember how far she got) did really well with “I’ll Never Give Up On You”, her singing was on point, as was her performance. The fact that we got more than 14 points in total is a miracle, but to get the elusive “douze points” from Australia leads us to hope that there is some potential for us to actually do well at Eurovision in the future.


So, Portugal won. I’m still not too sure how I feel about that, other than confused on an almost-existential level. I have nothing against the song at all, except that I can’t really remember it..? “Amar Pelos Dois” was a cute song, but I think it drew all its charm from the fact that Salvador (the singer) was singing his sister’s song. BUT. Portugal won, and instead of being like “Yay, Thank-you” Salvador made it about “disposable music” and how this song “actually means something”, which kind of killed the spirit and set a weird tone which left me a bit like…

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The song itself was fine, a bit ballady and I got a bit bored of it by the end, but just the weird speech after he won made me question whether or not he actually understood that Eurovision isn’t the platform for political change. Even though Russia withdrew this year (awkward).

Anyway, those are a few of my thoughts on Eurovision! Rest assured, there’ll be another one of these next year, and the year after that, and the year after the that too… I’ll leave you with this.. (because who doesn’t love Bucks Fizz’s “Making Your Mind Up”?

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